One Hundred Ninety Seven

Ugghhaafuck. Today’s been really up and down. Work was good I suppose, just super busy. And I actually had a pretty good night with friends at Camelot totally owning at air hockey, but the last few days have been pretty bad mentally. I just super hate myself. Not personality wise, but physically. And I know I post a lot on here about feeling bad about myself, but it’s been exceptionally messed up lately. I just can’t find a single thing I like. I hate my whole body. It’s horrible. I especially hate my face. I think because I can’t change it. I hate having fat on me still, but that can be altered, my face is forever what it is. I just can’t stop looking at myself and being filled with total rage/sadness/disappointment/panic. One of the things I have been feeling recently I haven’t felt since I was 35 pounds heavier. It is freaking me out, you guys. I really never wanted to feel like this again, and I do and I don’t really understand when it showed up again. It’s the feeling that the people who you are with or who are around you can’t stop focusing on how terrible you look. And the twisted thing about it is that they most likely aren’t. The way you look isn’t important to them in the slightest, but you still have a swelling panic that they are constantly noticing how fat and ugly you are. I am sure a lot more people, especially those who struggle with weight, have also felt this. But literally the day I started this weight loss journey, it disappeared. It’s back and I’m a little terrified of it. Its extremely crippling. Emotionally, socially, mentally. It really fucks you. It lead me to over eat and emotionally depend on food for 10 years of my life. It being lifted from my psyche was a huge thing. It puts on progress blinders and makes you focus on only the shit you still haven’t done. On these last 15-20 pounds I haven’t lost. It puts really fucked up thoughts in your head about personal worth. I guess I should call it a “demon”. A demon of mine that I have to face and overcome. I am definitely not ready. I wanted to continue to relish in feeling like an adequate and deserving human being for once. Buuutttt it’s not looking like I have a choice. It’s really made everyday this last week kind of terrible by default. I have to fix is ASAP. I’ll uhh, keep you guys updated for sure on how that all goes. All things crazy pants aside, tomorrow is my day off. Woopwoop. Gotta make Steven his birthday bruschetta and hit the gym. But at the moment all care about is sleeping in tomorrow. I think I start doing that now. G’night.

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