One Hundred Eighty Seven

Well last night was much more painful than I thought it was going to be. It definitely brought me back down to Earth, and then promptly stomped me into the ground. I used to really like hanging out in my rich family’s giant awesome house, eating their delicious gourmet food, and pretending to be apart of it. Turns out I also used to not think it was my fault I was so below them, and now I do. And now it’s much harder to explain my life to them when the best thing I have to tell them is that I live on my own… in the ghetto with no hope in sight of ever getting out of it. And that not only did I fail at school, but I’m also failing at getting back to school. And that I have to work two jobs so I can barely scrape by every month. Seeing everything they had made me really realize how much I don’t have. My cousins are incredibly better than me, and also never said a single word to me all night. I pretty much just battled blank stares every time I tried talking to someone. And no one mentioned anything about my weight loss, …ya know why? Because my amazing super rich, cousins are skinnier. The thing about my cousins is that the oldest one is my age, so comparisons have always happened. We used to be both awkward and fat, but the difference is that his family has always been super rich and my mom is uhh… not anything like that at all. So now as we are entering our adult lives he is almost done with college, will always have a giant rich awesome house and family to come home to, is way skinny, and over all better than me. They are all incredibly better than me. I’m not trying to have a pity party or be obnoxiously sad, but fuck man. That’s what’s going on. It was such an unexpected kick to the face. And it’s not like I didn’t already know any of this shit, but I was just not ready to have it all thrown in my face. I am not handling it very well. I’ve been pretty dead inside all day. I’m excited for Bre to get here and I really need to go make food before work. Sooooo… haavvee a good day.

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