One Hundred Sixty Nine

Man today sucked again. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the fact that it was 105 degrees here today. Then Yogurtland was insanely busy. Ya know how I mentioned in yesterday’s entry that I thought it was going to be dead at work because it was Father’s Day? Yeeaahh I was wrong. It was crazy and it was only me and one other team member there to handle it. Yeah. It was fucked up. I stayed late, again. Finally got home at about 5:30 after not eating anything except beef jerky all day. And then me and Wesley went to Panera which was amazing, but I now feel fat and like a failure and like my personal worth is at about a -8. So,.. awesome. Then I came back to my 150 degree apartment and got all of my laundry together and my sheets and headed to Launderland. Did my dumb laundry and now I am chillin on the couch with the AC on high. I am like at a loss about food right now. Like I want to have the option of enjoying food. I love food. I love cooking. I would go to culinary school if I had an extra 150,000 bucks layin around, but obviously eating a bunch of fattening shit all the time in the name of culinary romance isn’t an option. But I would like to be able to enjoy it from time to time with out feeling so god damn depressed about it afterwards. Especially around times like my birthday. What’s the holiday season going to be like? I just feel like shit. And I know this is only temporary. It’s not like I have regressed back to crazy fucked up eating for no reason. IT’S MY GOD DAMN 21ST BIRTHDAY. Even though I know I will get back on track next week I absolutely feel defeated. And that’s not fair :(. I want to enjoy life, but I want to be thin too. Those two goals do not seem to be meshing well. It’s really exhausting losing weight. It’s going to be just as exhausting maintaining a weight for a long period of time. Eating badly twice over the last two days has made me feel like I’m back at 197. And this isn’t the first time that I’ve slacked for a few days and splurged on food. I ate whatever I wanted in San Jose all weekend. I ate so much fucked up food on that trip. But up until then I hadn’t been struggling like I have been the last couple months. I think that’s why I feel so freaked out. I already decided I’m skipping my weigh in this week because I’ll be gone, but what if I weigh in in two weeks and I have gained 10 pounds?…… Well then I guess I gained 10 pounds, but mentally… it will not be good. I will never eat another carb ever again. Annnddd then my life will be filled with nothing but trying to find joy in cold dead things, like…. nature. Or something. Or I can be fat. I do not like either of those options. I just… am so stressed out about it. Annddd that’s what’s on my mind. Tomorrow I only work until 2 and that’s fuckin swwweeeeeeett. Then It’s home to get ready for beach on Tuesday! Finally. I probably won’t feel as pretty or confident on my birthday as I wanted to, but I will have fun no matter what. I promise… to myself. Ok I really need to go put laundry away or it will stay all over my room until I do laundry again next week. And then I’m off get a ton of no sleep for the third night in a row. Bounceliketitties.

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