One Hundred Fifty One

Welllllll to no surprise I gained 1.5 pounds this week. And there is no one to blame except for myself. It’s good I prepared for this a few days ago. Do I still hate myself for it? Yes. Am I going to reach my goal of 40 pounds by my birthday? Hell no. Does that still suck ass and it’s all my stupid lazy fault?!…. Yes :(. Even though it’s only 1.5 pounds I look at myself and feel like I’ve gained 10. I hate it. I hate that I did this!!! UGH. I wasn’t even eating badly I just didn’t work out. That seems unfair… that I can be good about diet, but still gain weight. Fuck. That kind of sucks. It’s been kind of a depressing day. Not for any reason really, I just can’t seem to find a reason to be happy. I tried, but I feel too weighed down by all the shit I’m worried about. Like being skinny, maintaining a certain weight once I get there, money, what’s going to happen with school, is there really any reason I want to go back to school, how the fuck I am going to get out of Bakersfield successfully, if I’ll ever be where I want to be… ya know, you’re basic what the fuck am I doing with my life stuff. I’m nervous about looking good on my birthday. I don’t even know why really. I am nervous about possible pictures that will be taken… I am nervous about people thinking I am fat. Like it kind of makes me well up with anxiety to think about it. There are probably a lot of underlying issues that are causing all of this crazy that I should try and deal with, but I don’t think I would know where to start. I am also a BIJILLION times more emotional on this new birth control that I was on the last one. Holy crap. It’s not great. Anywaayyy I work all day tomorrow and then possible blood donating on Friday. Yay? I guess. Time to go to Zumba. See y’all manana.

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