One Hundred Thirty Seven

I don’t know how to start this. I wanted to start off with a loud angry scream in all caps or maybe just a sad face, but even though those are both things I have felt today, at the moment I’m trying not to feel anything. Can you tell by my angst inspired black eye shadow? Ugh. I gained 2.8 pounds this week. Before I go into explaining how much disappoint and disdain I feel for myself, let me just say I know why it happened and in the grand scheme of things It’s not that big of a deal, but it still cut me pretty deep. Last week when I lost the 4 pounds, I had my big dehydration, crazy work weekend, death scenario thing that happened that Sunday night. So, I was under weight by 4 pounds because I was so severely malnourished and dehydrated. Gaining these 3 pounds back is just my body getting back to the correct amount of water that it naturally holds and all that crap. If I ignore last week all together, then the difference between the week before that and this week is minus 1 pound. So I suppose I could look at it as losing a pound, but either way I’m not happy with that. It seems more realistic to have only lost 1 pound instead of gaining 3 pounds. Because I did eat all crazy on Mother’s day, but I definitely had a good week at the gym. I honestly don’t even really care to try and figure it all out, I just want to fix it. I was SO excited to be so close to 40 pounds lost and to finally be out of the “30 pound” range. The last 5 weeks have been 29 pounds lost to 31 pounds lost and I was so ready to finally be able to tell people I was at something other than 30 pounds. Now I’m back at 31.4 pounds lost and 9 freakin pounds away from losing my goal of 40. AAAAAHHHH! So much fucking disappointment. About 20 minutes of crawling back in bed and crying worth. Fuck, you guys. It hurt so much. But I understand that weight loss is not a one way street. It’s basically a war between your mind and your body and sometimes the one that’s winning isn’t the one that helps you lose weight. I’m ready to get back on track. Back to everything I eat having intention. That’s to key to truly changing your views about food. It has to have intention. Whether it’s energy or correct nutrition or whatever. I have kind of slowly slipped away from that mentality. I’m going to get back there though. I had to lug my sad ass out of bed go grocery shopping. Like, it was bad, I had nothing. I spent 100 bucks! That’s the most I’ve spent on food since I’ve lived here. I splurged on quite a few things. Like fish, some ginger, some different fruit, some dried figs (YUM) and some big portobello mushrooms. I don’t want to get bored again. I need to keep myself interested enough to stay on track. Really the only thing that is keeping this day from being a total worthless bummer is that we are going to Zumba tonight. I am going to try and have fun because I was excited about it yesterday, but I might have to force it a little bit. Tomorrow I open at Yogurtland and have Moma’s. Gross. WHATEVER. Almost pay day. This check should be a good one too. I’m off to eat some fuckin strawberries, because I can’t eat an entire cake like I want to.

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