One Hundred Twenty Four

What a deceiving, evil, sad, disappointing, stupid fucking day. I mentioned it yesterday, but today a friend and I went running on the bike path for the first time. Sooo, actual ground instead of a treadmill. I knew it was going to be harder, I already expected it to be more difficult than running on a treadmill. And I couldn’t have been more right. Our route was a mile and half there and a mile and a half back. I was fully confident in my ability to run a mile and a half. I did it the other day at the gym in 12 fuckin minutes, no problem. And since we were going to rest a bit in between I really wasn’t worried about my ability to run back either. So we started running and almost immediately I was tired. By a half of a mile I was totally out of breath. And by a mile I was standing with my hands on my knees gasping for air. I was so pissed at myself. I couldn’t believe how much harder it was to run on actual ground. It damn near killed me. After catching my breath, we ran the last half mile to the park and then I had to lay down on the grass and die again. I was so depressed about it. Like, I couldn’t even handle it. And the more I thought about it the more sad and upset I got. We started our run back and I probably made it around 1/4 mile before I had to stop. I told my friend to keep going because I felt bad for holding him back with my complete shittyness. I stopped not only because I was tired, but also because of how upset I was getting over my mental and physical weakness. I started to walk and also almost uncontrollably cry. I held back a lot, but I still cried and I could have just sat on the ground and had a full out breakdown right there. I just couldn’t handle how bad I was doing. I started thinking of all the things about my body that I still didn’t like and it was a realization of how incredibly out of shape I still am. It made me feel like all of the hard work I have done getting good at running on a treadmill was for nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt like the fat girl again. The desperate, humiliated fat girl trying to get thin, but ultimately failing. I felt back at square one and it really upset me. But I took a moment to pull myself together and kept going. I didn’t feel an ounce of accomplishment or pride when we were done. I still don’t. I still feel like shit and I hate it. I honestly don’t even want to do this 5K anymore. I’m still going to do it, but it seems like more of a chore now that will just be more embarrassing than fun. So that really sucks. I’m feeling pretty insecure at the moment. I’m starving, but I also don’t really feel like eating because I don’t really feel like moving. Ever again. Other than totally getting stomped into the dirt, I have work in a little bit and that’s really it. Tomorrow I get paid and then I’ll need to find time to go grocery shopping at some point. I’ll be opening at Yogurtland all weekend. Saturday I’ll be at Relay For Life working the Yogurtland booth from 9:30 pm to midnight. And that’s pretty much all I have going on. Fantastic. I’m going to go continue to make myself dead inside.

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