One Hundred Fifty Two

Oh man today was long. I weighed myself out of curiosity this morning and I weighed 1.1 pounds less than yesterday. Whhaaatt thheee fuuucckk. I’m really not into weight fluctuating that much. I appreciate consistency. I guess I’ll just have to adjust to it and not take it all so hard. When I was bigger I seriously weighed the same number for like 3 years. I guess this is a new “thinner person” issue. Yogurtland was alright, Moma’s was alright, the gym kicked my ass. This was the first night back doing our running circuits. Frick I’m tired. But I feel good. That just got done with a hard work out good. I decided today that I want a big body pillow to cuddle with. Because I’m sad and lonely. And who doesn’t love body pillows? Probably terrorists. Pay day tomorrow! Also I gotta pay freakin rent! Awesome. Brokeness. We are also going to donate blood tomorrow. Woopwoop. Free snacks. 🙂 I’ll be mad if my iron is too low again. Not getting stabbed in the vein for 10 minutes so they can drain your blood is really disappointing. I drank a ton of water today. Almost 3 liters. My new goal is to drink at least 2 liters of water a day. I think being dehydrated might be messing with my weight a little bit. So hopefully staying nice and hydrated on a regular basis will help me lose the weight I want to. Ok time to go eat and shower and pass the fuck out. See ya.

One Hundred Fifty One

Welllllll to no surprise I gained 1.5 pounds this week. And there is no one to blame except for myself. It’s good I prepared for this a few days ago. Do I still hate myself for it? Yes. Am I going to reach my goal of 40 pounds by my birthday? Hell no. Does that still suck ass and it’s all my stupid lazy fault?!…. Yes :(. Even though it’s only 1.5 pounds I look at myself and feel like I’ve gained 10. I hate it. I hate that I did this!!! UGH. I wasn’t even eating badly I just didn’t work out. That seems unfair… that I can be good about diet, but still gain weight. Fuck. That kind of sucks. It’s been kind of a depressing day. Not for any reason really, I just can’t seem to find a reason to be happy. I tried, but I feel too weighed down by all the shit I’m worried about. Like being skinny, maintaining a certain weight once I get there, money, what’s going to happen with school, is there really any reason I want to go back to school, how the fuck I am going to get out of Bakersfield successfully, if I’ll ever be where I want to be… ya know, you’re basic what the fuck am I doing with my life stuff. I’m nervous about looking good on my birthday. I don’t even know why really. I am nervous about possible pictures that will be taken… I am nervous about people thinking I am fat. Like it kind of makes me well up with anxiety to think about it. There are probably a lot of underlying issues that are causing all of this crazy that I should try and deal with, but I don’t think I would know where to start. I am also a BIJILLION times more emotional on this new birth control that I was on the last one. Holy crap. It’s not great. Anywaayyy I work all day tomorrow and then possible blood donating on Friday. Yay? I guess. Time to go to Zumba. See y’all manana.

One Hundred Fifty

Well tomorrow is weigh in Wednesday. I am noooooot excited. Ugh oh well. This week I will be back at the gym! But not today. I have other plans. It’s a type of a work out…. anywaaay, tomorrow. Tomorrow we have Zumba. HAZZAH. Going to make some food and go to work. Count down to my birthday continues! Yes. I wanna get fucked up with everyone!! Hit me up. Tomorrow’s entry will be better than the last few days. I’ll be ranting about gaining weight or I’ll be amazed that I lost weight. Kay Bye!

One Hundred Forty Nine

Fuuucckkkk, you guys. I feel FAAATTT! Got all ready for Zumba today, I was looking forward to getting my sweat on… get to the gym and there are no classes today because of Memorial Day. DAMMMMMMMIITT. I was so pissed. You can’t just prepare to do Zumba and then feel just as pumped when you have to do a regular hard, boring work out instead. And I didn’t bring my headphones and there’s no way I’m running in silence. Fuck dat. But we did arms. That’s 6 freakin days with out working out. UGGHH. I know I’m gaining weight this week. I am just going to accept that now. My diet has been good, but not working out all week is fuckin stupid. So, that sucks. Other than that today was good. I woke up at 1pm, went and got ready to go run errands, walked around the mall for a couple hours pretending like I could afford things, went to get yogurt, and came back home and made some bomb dinner. I want Cold Stone so bad right now. MMMMM. That would be amazing. Or tiramisu… or tapioca pudding… or a York Peppermint Patty. OR a tapioca tiramisu patty. Allrriigghhhtt that’s all I got. I’m off to clean. PEACE.

One Hundred Forty Eight

Ooohhh Sunday night. It’s always the best. Mostly because I don’t work on Mondays! Yeuuuss. Sleeeeeepp sleeepppp sleep sleeep sleep. Tomorrow we are going back to the gym. Holy crap thank baby Jesus. I feel so fuckin fat. Like.. it’s a problem. I look fat.. I feel like I look fat… soo much fat. Today was a terrible day for food, too. Oh man. I suck. I really hope I didn’t gain weight this week. I am not very confident in that hope though. UGH. Oh well. I guess it was nice to not have to work out for a few days. Anyway, the point is that I feel super gross and I’m ready to feel almost alright half of the time again. I wanted to go get wasted so badly tonight. But no one came through with any plans. In 3 weeks that won’t be an issue ever again! I can just go to a bar with someone and have fun! I won’t have to specifically find a stupid Bakersfield house party. Faaaantastic. I want to watch the new episode of Metalocalypse, but I also want to take a shower and go the fuck to sleep. Work was long and stupid. I thought it was never going to end. But it did! Time for Family Guy and pure laziness. Awwww yeah.

One Hundred Forty Seven

Well today was way too long. My period has officially pillaged my entire existence. I really thought my lower back was just gonna cave in on itself at work tonight. Fuuaacckkk it hurt so much, of course the entire time. Also cramps, head ache.. all that shit. I think we have already gone over the emotional effects it’s having. BUT it’s almost over. Same with my work week,… saammee with the gym hiatus. Yay. I wanted to get home early and go to bed because I was so freakin tired today after only getting a couple hours of sleep, and somehow it’s 11 o’clock. I gotta be up at 6. What. The. Shit. Tomorrow should be nice and stressful. I won’t go into details… but I’m pretty positive when that clock hits 4pm I might cry a little. Actually, seeming as how my emotional stability is about as secure as a Brittany Spears’s relationship with her father, I will definitely cry. Monday is gonna be an awesome day of sleep and nothing and food and Zumba. Fuck yeah. ‘Til then though… shit pretty much sucks. I’m out.

One Hundred Forty Six

Ok. Soooo, I’ve been staring at my blank computer screen for 20 minutes now and still don’t know what to talk about. Multiple topics have been considered. The fact I’m not going to work out again today… or probably all weekend. That I am still on a period from mood swing Hell. I could go off on a spiel about how I am starting to come to terms with my self esteem and that one day I should believe that I’ll get everything I think I deserve. The fact that I could easily eat a large pizza by myself at the moment. Annddd the list goes on and on. I just don’t really care about any of that to be honest though. Don’t really care about anything. Soooooooo… That’s about it. I wish I had more interesting things to say, maybe tomorrow.