One Hundred Seventeen

I don’t even have a word that accurately describes this day as a whole. Parts of it were good and parts of it were bad. Nothing terrible happened necessarily, but I just felt kind of down all day. I had lunch with some friends, work was easy, my coffee was free. But I did eat shrimp fried rice at lunch (because that’s what my friend made) and then I seriously ate an embarrassing amount of fruit salad before work(I made and took fruit salad to the lunch). And most of you might not think breaking down and compulsively eating a ton of fruit is really a big deal, but for me it is. That is a lot of carbs, like.. A LOT of carbs. And I don’t even want to think about the sugar. It made me feel like shit, both psychically and emotionally. It made me feel like an asshole. My excuse was that “I can’t have all of this fruit salad in my house, I already ate rice, why not just eat it all right now and get it over with so it’s not just staring at me for the next couple of days”. So I did. I feel worse about the fruit than I do about the rice. The rice was an acceptable portion and out of hunger, the fruit salad was pure emotional eating. That sucks, you guys. I have worked so hard to get over that shit. It really sucks when you have a relapse-ish moment like that. After gaining a pound this last week you would think I would get my shit together, right? Wrong. I ate like a fuck bag today and I didn’t go to the gym. That makes me feel like a loser. I don’t really know what I am doing. I want to slap the shit out of myself, but at the same time just can’t find the motivation to get my head back together. I hate this shit!! It’s times like these where I question my ability to keep the weight off. I don’t believe in myself when these things happen. But if there is anything that I’ve learned that is remotely helpful from all of those dumb ass weight loss oriented articles on Yahoo, it’s that when you make a mistake, forgive yourself. You have to or it will end up defeating you in the long run and you’ll never get back on track. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to forgive myself, but still remember the weakness of that moment. The Greek festival is on Saturday. There is going to be a lot of bad food there that I am was planning on eating, so I am just going to have to do some major exercise to get back on track once this is all over. Tomorrow I need to do laundry and get my check and figure out rent. I am going to be a little short this month. Nothing crazy, just by like 20 bucks or so, but it still sucks having to pull from savings. Fack life is hard. Making enough money is hard. Not being a failure is hard. It is not working out for me at the moment. Maybe it’ll all seem easier once this period that was hand delivered from Satan himself is over. One can only hope. I’m out niggas. Peace!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s