One Hundred Eight

I cannot wake up today. I slept for like 10 hours and I still feel like I could sleep more. I got out of a bed an hour later than I intended and that’s only because I planned to go to the gym. I have changed that plan to going after work. My appetite is also out of control. I woke up and had eggs and turkey bacon, then I had some greek yogurt, and then I had some walnuts and golden raisins and I am still hungry. Mind you I got up at 11. It’s kind of ridiculous. I am craving some fucked up foods too. Pizza, donuts, grasshopper pie, pb&j, ice cream, chocolate, churros… seriously. I don’t want to weigh myself tomorrow!!! I have a feeling it might be not great. I also don’t want to cook dinner or go to work. I didn’t feel like putting on makeup for this picture. I don’t want to do anything, except sleep. I hate these days. They totally halt your momentum. I have to be able to start it back up again. I thought about what it would be like to gain all of the weight back today. It was scarey. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. It would definitely be easy to do though. One of the things I have realized about being fat, is that being fat is easy. Now before you go off at your computer screen about all of the reasons why being fat is hard, let me tell you that I know. I know being fat is hard. The bullying, the teasing, the shopping, the mirrors, the skinny friends, the guys that never flirt with you, the embarrassment about food, I’ve been there. But I have come up with a little phrase, if you will. “The easiest thing about losing weight, is being fat.” I know that sounds strange, but anyone who has been big and is now small will tell you it’s true. When you are attempting to lose a significant amount of weight, there are things you will face that you won’t be bale to deal with. When you are fat, you will face things that are hard or saddening, and you will eat. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want. There’s no will power, there’s little self control, and there is little discipline. Now, I don’t want to generalize, but this is how it was and is for me and I know it’s to same for other people too. You don’t have to go to the gym every day, you don’t have to make sure you’re burning enough calories. you don’t have to make sure that you’re not over eating, you don’t have to keep you food issues under control at all times, you don’t have to say “no” to yourself a thousand times a day, It’s all fuckin hard. Being fat is mentally and physically exhausting, losing weight and maintaining it is more mentally and physically exhausting. There’s nothing easy about it. It’s basically taking the thing that makes your hard life easier (So, comforting, fatty foods) and trading it for something that makes your hard life harder in hopes that it will make you happier. Happy isn’t easy. I am learning that very slowly. And maybe it is for some people, but not me. That’s OK. I will eventually be 100% happy, and I know it. *clap clap.

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