One Hundred Six

I feel good today. I feel positive. I feel content. I almost even feel thin. It’s nice to finally feel something other than panic and despair. I’m going to try and keep this going for as long as possible. Mom came over today to fix my FAFSA. I think we got it all straightened out. I made lunch and we hung out for a while. She brought me a whole bunch of “my stuff” that was in storage that we ended up throwing away anyway. I got a pretty sweet surfboard now though. I have to close at Yogurtland tonight and then turn around and open there again tomorrow. That shit sucks!! Whatever. I need to make some money anyway. Yesterday I was thinking about how different my perspective on eating and working out is now, than compared to when I started. It had so much integrity in the beginning. Everything was about health and making sure my body had the fuel it needed and making sure I wasn’t giving anything that would weaken it like bread or candy or blahblahblah. And now it’s like I watch the York Peppermint Patty commercial and half of me gets pissed I can’t have one and the other half is stuck in a blank, drooling stare while I yearn for the creamy, minty, chocolatey amazing little puck of happiness. I should really get my head back in the game. I need to get my perspective back on track because it is SO out of whack. It’s basically become this incredibly enraging day-to-day war of self hatred and guilt all based around my tree trunk legs or my giant arms or the fact that I ate too much peanut butter. It’s so exhausting. It has to stop. That’s not who I want to be. That’s who I’ve been my whole life and this journey of self improvement was supposed to start helping me work through all of that crazy, not somehow make it 10 times worse. My relationship with food has also gotten more and more twisted. It all needs a major spring cleaning. A deep, thorough mental spring cleaning. That’s what I’ll be working on. Getting back to the gym on Monday! YEUH. Time to do some mudda fuggin work! But not today… today I am lounging. I wish I didn’t have work, because I haven’t had a day off in a week and I won’t have a day off for at least another week and even then I don’t know when my next day off is going to be. Isn’t is obnoxious that I’m still poor? Yes. Yes it is. I’ve decided that I hate having two jobs. I don’t want two jobs anymore. Having one job would be so much easier. UGH! I need so much to change!! Hopefully things are on a good roll and some good things will start happening soon. Until then, fuckin thug life, perfecting my grind, fuck bitches, get money.

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