One Hundred Three

Well, today was supposed to be productive. I still need to hang up the laundry from yesterday, I didn’t go to the gym like I planned to, I’m pretty much just doing nothing. I’m watching TV, but I’m not. I feel really tired even though I slept a lot. And even though I weigh less than I have in at least 7 or 8 years, I feel more unattractive than ever. I am just unhappy about every little thing. I would list body parts, but it’s literally everything. I hate it all. It seems radically unfair that losing weight wouldn’t eliminate self esteem issues, even just a little bit. I guess everyone feels like shit and hates their bodies. Maybe all those “I’m big, but I’m still sexy and I feel confident all the time and will wear whatever I want” girls are all super lucky and really feel that way, or maybe they all deserve best actress awards. I don’t know. I guess you can’t ever know what a person is thinking or how they really feel. Unless they have a blog where every entry is seeming to get fucking lamer and lamer!!! GAAAAHH I really hate feeling so god damn sad and shit all the time. Like I have no idea what the fuck to do about it. I don’t know if it’s depression, or stress, or if I am just a whiny, losery, dumb ass who can’t handle shit and needs to just suck shit up. Everything is so frustrating and it all seems impossible. Getting back to school seems impossible, being skinny seems impossible, making more money seems impossible, being something better than an average failure in the heart of Bakersfield seems impossible. Usually, I am the kind of person that can be down, but say to myself, “look, you’ve been through some shit, but if you’re patient and work hard then the right thing will come along and you’ll be glad you waited.” But that just isn’t convincing me any more. I feel like that’s naive and if I just sit around and wait for something to happen then before I know it I’ll be 40 years old still waiting. On the flip side, over the last three years, when I have made big, risky decisions and took control and “went out and got it”, it’s always failed and I end up back in this fuckin town at square one. I don’t really understand where I am in my life right now and it’s driving me fucking insane. When I think about friends or whatever, I can label them. They are a student right now, they are getting married right now, they are graduating right now, they are having a baby right now, or whatever. They are hitting common mile stones or are in recognizable stages of their life. I just feel like mine is on pause or something. I’m stressed out about it. Maybe I just need a good punch to the face. Make it a surprise, please.


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