Ninety Seven/Ninety Eight

I… have no idea how to start this entry. I guess I could start by stating this counts for yesterday and today since I completely forgot to do one yesterday. It was one of my crazy long days. Both jobs were crazy. I was really tired. I’m still really tired, amongst other things. For some reason, I have woken up in an extremely fragile state. Anything and everything is making me cry. I don’t know why, but it’s happening. Looking at myself naked this morning, cried. Texting my friend about school, cried. Getting lectured by the fuckin Jamaican guy at the alteration place about stupid customer service and how to get a job, almost cried but didn’t cause that would have been weird, but cried on the walk home. I feel dead. The only thing I can focus on is despair,  hate myself, I hate where my life is, I hate my body, I hate my apartment, I hate the choices I’ve made, I hate the people I know, I hate everything. I look at myself and see nothing. I don’t feel like I have any identity. I’m not fat, I’m not thin, I don’t go to school, I don’t like my jobs, I’m not anything. If I had to say something about myself, I would say that I am a plain girl, who lives in a shit hole, who dropped out of college, and is now slowly spiraling into a pit of failure and half breed children with a Mexican. I just have no hope. Now, all of this could be happening because I am weening myself off of my birth control. My birth control was a special kind that gave me extra hormones to balance out my moods and emotions. That’s why I got on it, because I was like this all the time. 24/7. If it wasn’t deep sadness, it was incredible rage. And over the last 3 1/2 years, it has helped tremendously. But because of certain issues, I have to get off of it and switch to a normal one that doesn’t help with the crazies, only the not having of children. I was really afraid that this was going to happen, but part of me thought that maybe I had grown out of that stage and I would be normal with out it. I won’t really now how I am until I start the other pack of birth control and am on it for a couple months. I hope it’s fuckin better than this. I feel personally attacked by everything. I just want to not exist for a while. I don’t wanna die or anything drastic like that, just kind of disappear for a bit. No one would even know that I was gone and I could just come back at any point and everything would go on as normal. Too bad it doesn’t work like that. I feel like a dumb ass, sitting here writing all of this, but this is supposed to be an open and honest blog. That is one of the things I preach the most. Being open and honest. So, there it is. It probably makes me a sad sack and lame and annoying, but it’s what’s going on right now. There is more, but I just can’t articulate it well right now. Other than slowly being devoured by my own mental issues, I am finally getting my work slacks altered so I can wear them again. I just started wearing my black Dickies to Moma’s and Yogurtland because my slacks for Moma’s were so big and ridiculous looking. It was more expensive than I though it was going to be, but oh well. It needs to be done. And if one more fucking Italian looks at my pants with disapproval I’m going to burn the place to the ground. Today at the gym we are running 3 miles. I don’t know why, but I want to see if I can do it. After being so disappointed with my self after boot camp, I want to see how shitty or good I actually am in all fitness aspects. I’m not sure if I’ll ever go back to boot camp class. I don’t know if there is a point. To be that sore, to be that bad at something. We will see. I was invited to a party tonight that I was excited about, but I don’t know if I’ll go. Probably, but I don’t really want to anymore. Tomorrow is Easter brunch with the grandparents up in Tehachipi. I need to go get ready for the gym. Maybe I can make it through the rest of the day with out having another random sob fest. I guess I’ll try.

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