One Hundred Twenty One

What a strange day. I checked this morning and I was informed that I didn’t qualify for any financial aid for the 2012-2013 school year. It was pretty disappointing. Some tears have been shed over it, but I’m staying strong and evaluating what I need to do next. Since I’ll be 21 in June, I am going to resubmit my FAFSA with my own info and see if there isn’t something I can do. Maybe I will be able to start in the Spring, instead of waiting all the way until next Fall. Also, there is a new FAFSA reform that is only paying up to 8 semesters. So if I do end up getting school started again and I am at BC for 2 years and then I have to be at whatever university for 3 years, then my last entire year will all be out of my own pocket. I’m no psychic, but I’m pretty positive I wont be able to shell out 20,000 dollars for that last year. So part of me just wants to give up because it would be incredibly disappointing and pointless to once again not be able to finish school. I am just kind of at a loss. I am going to try and try and try to get back into school as soon as possible, but at the moment it’s a forced want. I don’t really have any hope for that aspect of my life anymore and I just want to move on and figure out what my plan is that doesn’t involve a college degree, but I know that’s the wrong way to look at it. I paid rent today. It is all taken care of. Except now I have no money for the week. I know I kind of talked about this yesterday, but stretching 2 days worth of food into 5 days of food is a little bit of a problem when I’m supposed to eat every 3-4 hours. I’m already feeling the woozy effects. It’s not that I’ve never had to survive off of like 10 dollars for an entire week before, it’s that I’ve never had to do it while eating correctly for my body. Before I could spend 2 dollars a day on a McDouble or some shit like that. Or even gone and bought some sandwich stuff for that week and it was fine, but that kind of stuff isn’t an option any more. I can’t eat those things and the food I need isn’t that frugally accessible. And now that I’m eating according to my hypoglycemic needs, when I start needing food, I NEED food. There is not a gradual decline, I am fine and then I am dying, so it worries me because I don’t want it to affect my ability to do my jobs or to find the energy to work out. This is definitely going to be a challenging week life. I guess I’ll keep trying to be victorious over it.

One Hundred Twenty

I usually don’t like taking pictures for this in my Yogurtland uniform, but I new I was going to come straight home from work and collapse on my face and sleep for a few hours (which I did. Can I get a fuck yeah?) so I figured I should take it while I at least looked alright, and that involved a little bit of Yogurtland-ness. Today was an OK day. Not much happened. I woke up and went to work and then came home and went to sleep. Pretty much sums it up. Work wasn’t even hard. It was a pretty easy laid back day. Sooooo, cool? Yes, cool. Tonight is the season premier of Metalocalypse. I. Am. So. Excited. I have some friends coming over to watch it!! We are so fucking brutal. I am pretty hungry. I should cook some chicken or something, but I will probably just eat almonds because I’m lazy. I was going to go to the gym tonight, but we are going to make Sundays our 5K days so I decided to savor this last easy, lazy Sunday. I realized the other day that I am probably going to run out of food this week. It’s not that big of a deal because I get paid on Friday, so if anything it’ll only be three or four days, but that still sucks balls. I do have a lot of meat and eggs at least. I won’t run out of that, but literally everything else I eat I am going to not have within the next couple days. Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, veggies, apples, oranges, almonds, turkey bacon… oh, that’s all I eat. Is that it? Damn. OK. Anyway, yeah this is going to be a hard week. I don’t even want to think about weight loss. Of course I want to have lost weight, but I’m not even going to expect anything. Training for this 5K every week will help with shedding some pounds. I feel like I have been at 30 pounds lost for like 2 months. I’m freakin over it. I’m ready to make some big progress again. My friend is bringing me a coffee pot tonight!! I know that was an odd transition, but I’m fucking excited and I just thought about it. I neeeeeedddd coooooofffffeeeee. Or at least I need coffee available to me here at home. I will have to wait until I can actually buy coffee, but ya know, baby steps. Alright I’m gonna go do more nothing. Good night. 🙂

One Hundred Nineteen

Well today was delicious, to say the least. Went to the Greek Food Festival and it was really nice. The weather was bomb, the food was hella bomb, and I got a little bit of color. I didn’t tan of course, but a little bit of pink is better than a whole bunch of pale. I ate SO much food. It was awesome. Basically anything that involved or was wrapped in dough I ate. I guess it could be confusing how I go from being sad over gaining a pound back (which I lost again by the way :)) to eating deep fried donut holes all in the same week. But we have been  planning to go to this and eat for weeks now. And I do believe in indulging when it’s appropriate. I think it’s important for success. If you don’t go a little crazy once in a while and get it out of your system then it’s just going to build up until you fuckin snap and ultimately fail, especially when it comes to weight loss. I wore my dress. Let me tell you, I wasn’t going to after I put it on this morning, but I bucked up and did it anyway. It was alright. I didn’t feel sad or bad, but I didn’t feel awesome either. As long as I don’t feel like I would rather die than continue to be in whatever I’m wearing, I count that as a win. My arms looked big and my legs looked big, but that’s OK. They won’t be that way forever. The gym is going to be fun tonight! Oh boy. We get to increase our running circuits to 2.5 minutes. I’m excited and completely dreading it all at the same time. The first time doing a circuit after the running time gets increased is always the hardest. But it also means progress is happening! This 5K is going to be looming over my head for the next couple of months. I am freakin determined to do it though and have a fun ass time and not die in the process. UGH I have to go get ready for work :(. Do not want. I gotta be at Yogurtland all day tomorrow. Also do not want. But I have like 15 bucks to my name right now, so money definitely needs to be made. BYE.

One Hundred Eighteen

Well today was better than yesterday. I went to my mom’s and did laundry, which was much needed. Work was alright. I actually made it to the damn gym! I did a 10 minute mile. Woopwoop! I was going to do a mile and half, but for some reason after a mile and a quarter the treadmill just randomly stopped and gave me my work out summary. Umm, no. So whatever. I still did a 10 minute mile. The first half mile was cake, the second half mile was more like a turnover or something… I guess. The main point was that I wasn’t dead and gasping for air like I would have been 6 months ago. Tomorrow is the Greek festival! Finally! Yay. I’m excited, but also nervous. I’m nervous because I have decided to wear my blue dress. You guys have seen half of it in some of my pictures on here, but I hardly ever wear it out and if I do I wear a cardigan over it. It’s a little dress. It goes to about mid thigh and it’s sleeveless. Tomorrow I am going to wear it, just it. I just want to look pretty. Not for any particular reason really, but just to feel something positive for a change. I feel like I haven’t had a good feeling towards my weight loss or diet in weeks. I miss it. I want that feeling of pride and accomplishment back. I’m determined to get it back again. I’m starting to train for a 5K I’m doing in June. I’m going to run a 5K once a week and then at some point either increase speed or increase distance. I’m not sure when and I’m not sure which I should increase first. Running 3 miles sucks!! I did it that once and haven’t attempted it again since. It’s definitely going to be a difficult couple of months. I want to be a bad ass though!! And the only way to be a bad ass is to be more of a bad ass than the baddest of the bad asses. So with that said, I guess I’ll never be a bad ass, but dammit I’m going to act like I am. Fake it ’til you make it? Yes. Except for orgasms. It doesn’t work with orgasms. Turns out those have to actually happen. Oh well. Time to clean some shit. I’m out!

One Hundred Seventeen

I don’t even have a word that accurately describes this day as a whole. Parts of it were good and parts of it were bad. Nothing terrible happened necessarily, but I just felt kind of down all day. I had lunch with some friends, work was easy, my coffee was free. But I did eat shrimp fried rice at lunch (because that’s what my friend made) and then I seriously ate an embarrassing amount of fruit salad before work(I made and took fruit salad to the lunch). And most of you might not think breaking down and compulsively eating a ton of fruit is really a big deal, but for me it is. That is a lot of carbs, like.. A LOT of carbs. And I don’t even want to think about the sugar. It made me feel like shit, both psychically and emotionally. It made me feel like an asshole. My excuse was that “I can’t have all of this fruit salad in my house, I already ate rice, why not just eat it all right now and get it over with so it’s not just staring at me for the next couple of days”. So I did. I feel worse about the fruit than I do about the rice. The rice was an acceptable portion and out of hunger, the fruit salad was pure emotional eating. That sucks, you guys. I have worked so hard to get over that shit. It really sucks when you have a relapse-ish moment like that. After gaining a pound this last week you would think I would get my shit together, right? Wrong. I ate like a fuck bag today and I didn’t go to the gym. That makes me feel like a loser. I don’t really know what I am doing. I want to slap the shit out of myself, but at the same time just can’t find the motivation to get my head back together. I hate this shit!! It’s times like these where I question my ability to keep the weight off. I don’t believe in myself when these things happen. But if there is anything that I’ve learned that is remotely helpful from all of those dumb ass weight loss oriented articles on Yahoo, it’s that when you make a mistake, forgive yourself. You have to or it will end up defeating you in the long run and you’ll never get back on track. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to forgive myself, but still remember the weakness of that moment. The Greek festival is on Saturday. There is going to be a lot of bad food there that I am was planning on eating, so I am just going to have to do some major exercise to get back on track once this is all over. Tomorrow I need to do laundry and get my check and figure out rent. I am going to be a little short this month. Nothing crazy, just by like 20 bucks or so, but it still sucks having to pull from savings. Fack life is hard. Making enough money is hard. Not being a failure is hard. It is not working out for me at the moment. Maybe it’ll all seem easier once this period that was hand delivered from Satan himself is over. One can only hope. I’m out niggas. Peace!

One Hundred Sixteen

Fuckingtittyfuckballsshitassdammitfagfucker. *SIGH. I gained a pound this week. GAINED. Acquired. Increased. Accumulated. Son of a bitch. This is the first week ever during my weight loss that I have gained weight back. I can tell you right now, I am not a fan. I think the thing that is bothering me the most is that I don’t know why I gained a pound. I worked out hard all week. My diet wasn’t perfect, but it was still good. Definitely not anywhere near bad. Definitely not gain a fucking pound back bad! I don’t think it’s muscle, because a pound of muscle is quite a bit. Even though we did do a lot of strength training this week, I don’t think I gained an entire pound of muscle. Now, it COULD be because I started my period, (which just added to the greatness of the day) but I’ve never gained weight because of my period before. I really, really want to blame it on my period. The rational part of me thinks it’s “period weight” that will come off once it’s over, but the insecure fat girl in me is convinced that it’s me slowly getting fat again. I’m so fucking sad about it. I just feel like I failed this week. Especially because I wanted to lose like.. a few freakin pounds and instead I gained one. I guess I’ll get over it and recover. I want to say that I would prefer to not have to do damage control, but I guess this entire journey has been damage control. I’ll just have to work extra hard this week. Well I got promoted to shift lead again at Yogurtland. Yay? I guess. I want the money, but I’ve done that shit and Yogurtland is a hard place to “lead”. Mostly because it’s basically organizing chaos for 8 hours a day… and my over all hatred for people doesn’t help. I’m kind of over writing this entry, honestly. I don’t really have anything else to say. Plus I gotta go grocery shopping and then go to the gym. So, Good night.

One Hundred Fifteen

Well today has actually been pretty nice. I woke up at 11, went to the gym, and made some food. That’s about it. I have work at 5:30, but then it’s Biggest Loser and Glee time! Anndd then It’s Wednesday and I have to weigh myself. I wanna say I almost see a difference this week, but you never know. I wanted to lose a couple pounds this week, so hopefully I did. I only went to the gym 5 days, but they were all good days. So we will see!!! I gotta be at Yogurtland all day tomorrow. Booooo, but then I get to go swim my ass off at the gym. Yaaay. I’m not gonna lie, I could definitely eat an entire carton of ice cream right now. I want ice cream SO bad right now. *sigh it’ll never happen. I mean look at that picture. Look at those arms. They are on their way to greatness! I can not ruin it with fuckin ice cream. Even though sometimes it legitimately almost seems worth it. Speaking of ruining all of my hard work with crazy food, the Greek festival is this weekend! And that means food. Awesome, delicious, Greeky food. I’m so excited. I’m signing up for this 5K called Color Me Rad. It’s here in Bakersfield and basically it’s like a colored chalk fight/3 mile run. It’s June 30th, so it’s going to be INSANELY hot, but I have a few friends who are doing it too, so it should be a lot of fun. I should get better at running 3 miles though. FACK. I need to go get ready for work. Baallllllllsssssssss. Alright. Have a good day y’all!