Eighty Six

Man, I am bummmmeeeddd ooouuuttt. For some reason last night, I was looking at myself in the mirror, naked, and I honestly haven’t felt that terrible about myself since before I started losing weight. Like, tears were shed. I have felt pretty depressed all day. I am not really sure what to do about it. I see the differences, but I also see all of the work that I still have to do. And trust me, it’s not the work that is upsetting me. It is the fear that I am putting in tremendous amounts of effort for an unattainable goal. With the realization of how completely unsatisfied I am with my body still, the fear that I may not ever be skinny and I will just stay fat and never be able to maintain being skinny, I have become a slight nervous wreck about it. I know I posted a long ass post a few weeks ago about how I felt like I have won my battle with weight and it’s not that I think I will gain the weight back, it’s just that I fear not ever losing enough weight. At work today I watched a lot of skinny, perfect girls pile cookie dough, gummy worms, and everything in between onto tubs of yogurt. I could not help but to recluse into a very jealous, self pity kind of mentality about it. I have a huge ass still, huge thighs, huge calves, huge arms… and no boobs. {boobs are for an entirely different post about self esteem!} The point is that I still am HUGE. I just can’t fathom how some people are so small, but I WANT it. I want it so badly that I would almost go as far as to say that I need it. And it just doesn’t seem possible to me right now, and It’s breaking my heart. Annnnddd my confidence and my motivation and my energy and a whole bunch of shit. Since I have to go to the gym today, I decided that I am going to Zumba tonight because I know a regular work out of lame cardio would just not go well. I would get sad and bored and then just feel defeated and want to leave. Zumba will keep me going though! It’s so fun. I gotta go do that though. Class at 6:30! Oy vey.

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