Eighty One

So, today is my first total day off in… forever? Naw, like a month. But still, I am not really sure what to do with myself. I need to do laundry and I need to go to the gym, and other than that I really don’t have any other plans. Pretty much just being a bum. It’s nice I guess, but if I had a choice I would go to the beach or something, but like I was saying yesterday, I have no funds. I was really stressed out about it, but something will work out. It has do, it always does. I weighed myself this morning. I lost .6 pounds this week. I am not disappointed. I was kind of expecting it since I didn’t have a great week. My diet wasn’t as strict as it should be and I didn’t have a great week at the gym. I also lost 2.5 pounds last week, so only losing .6 pounds is noooo big deal. I am only 3 pounds away from being into the 160’s. I was really excited about hitting that number, and I still am, but I am starting to notice that in 14 pounds (when I’ll hit my 40 pound goal) I might not be as skinny as I want to be. So I’m not really sure how much further I have to go. I definitely have more than 14 pounds on me still. It’s pretty much just another “fat person” lesson. Like when I set the goal of 40 pounds 12 weeks ago, I estimated I was 40 pounds over weight. Which, I am seeing now, was just another fatty delusion. Maybe I was 60 pounds over weight? Maybe I still have 30 more pounds to lose? I don’t really know because I honestly can’t tell. There isn’t a single part of my body that is fatless. Every part still has, what I consider, a significant amount of fat to lose. Legs, arms, stomach, back, ass, face… so I guess I will just have to wait and see how long it takes for me to feel satisfied with my weight loss. I really want to be skinny, not just thin, skinny. I want bones, and toned muscles, and flat abs. I don’t want my thighs to touch each other, I don’t want to have multiple chins if I lay down, I don’t want my calves to not fit into knee high boots, I don’t want my arms to fan out against side, I want to be skinny. I still have a ways to go until I get to that point, so once I hit my original goal I will be proud of myself, but there is going to be a new goal set quickly after that. SOOOO blah blah blah we’ll fuckin see how it all goes. These are crazy times! Hopefully I’m already damaged enough to be one of the ones to survive. So far I think I’m doing alright.

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