Ninety One

Job interview, Easter, dogs, work, gym! How could an interviewer say no so hair like that? I got this shit in the bag. I hope it goes super duper well because like I said, I need this job. I paid rent today and now I’m suuppeerrr broke. UGH. I really don’t want to go to work the next few days, I just wanna lounge around. But oh well. I definitely need to make money anyway! I hope there’s lamb at Easter today. I knoooowww I KNOW! Cute baby sheep that are treated evilly and brutally slaughtered for our disgusting gluttonous pleasures. BUT sometimes, it’s extremely fucking delicious. And it’s Easter, so I’m eating adorable lambs for Jesus. I bet there will be pie!!! ooohh pie. Once again, eating pie for Jesus. No shame today! I need the simple things to get me through the crazy. I’m not sure if anyone at Easter will notice that I have lost weight. Hopefully, but I’m going to expect it. I only see these people a couple times a year so I don’t think they see me enough for my weight loss to be that noticeable. I’m really just going for the food. The gym is going to be a battle tonight. I can already feel it. I’m off to my interview!!! YEUH.

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Ninety

Oh my Jesus I can’t believe today is actually over. I don’t know if I could handle anything else. I had work at Yogurtland, then had to go to my best friend’s parent’s house, and then I had to go to the other work. I guess that doesn’t really sound like much, but when they are all back to back for 13 hours, it can get tiring. Tomorrow is going to be crazy too. I have to get up early, go pay rent, go to an interview at Eureka Burger (fuckin YEUS), go to family Easter, go feed my friend’s dogs, then go to work, and then go to the gym. I am too busy! I realllyyyyy, reallllyyyyyy need to get this server job at Eureka Burger. It would make everything SO much better. I’ll let you guys know!! I’m off to die.

Eighty Nine

What a day! Woke up early to be at Zumba at 8:30 am, then went grocery shopping, then went to a doctors appointment, and now I am hanging out until work tonight. I made kale chips! It’s my first time eating and making them. I think I over cooked them a little, but I only had them in the oven for 10 minutes. They are pretty yummy. I REALLY want chocolate. So I bought strawberries at the store instead. Yesterday was a terrible day diet wise. I ate so much crap! But they had to weigh me at the doctors and my weight was fine, so oh well. I bought the ingredients to make a delicious spaghetti squash dinner! I am not sure when I am going to make it, all I know is that it is going to be delicious. I am in the midst of switching birth controls. I’m nervous because I’ve been taking the same one for 3.5 years, so starting a new one is going be a uuhh.. messy.. process. I am exhausted, so I am going to start cooking. Have to open tomorrow at Yogurtland have to go straight to Moma’s after that, so have to prepare some food! I’m out!

Eighty Eight

Super lazy day so far. Started off with eggs, then got ready and dropped off my resume at Eureka Burger, then coffee, then some yogurt, and now I am straight chillin in front of the boob tube. No work today, the only obligation I have is to go to the gym at some point. So, before I talk about Eureka Burger, I feel the need to address the “all of my clothes are too big” problem… again. Take a look at my shirt. It’s SO fucking big! There was a point where I would not even wear this shirt because it was too tight and I thought I looked liked a stuffed sausage. I have always loved the wrapped top, and when the rest of the shirt was tighter the top always looked really nice. But now that the entire shirt is baggy {except in the arms of course!! >:-/} the top just looks sloppy, the whole shirt looks sloppy. I feel like my clothes being baggy are making me look big again. If you notice the right side of the pic, where my hand is resting on my hip, where the shirt hits my hand on the top is significantly different then where the shirt leaves my hand on the bottom. That’s all shirt!! It looks ridiculous, but I can’t really do anything about it. Anyway, this used to be one of my favorite shirts, now it looks retarded. EUREKA BURGER! So I dropped off my resume this morning. The GM wasn’t there so I left it with the owner or someone. One of the important people. I’ve never really heard of Eureka Burger, but after looking it up I would be extremely excited to work there. It’s basically bomb ass burgers and tacos and beer. It’s SO awesome. The menu is amazing, I would order pretty much everything on the menu, if I could eat any of it. It’s not open yet so I would be able to properly put in my two weeks for Yogurtland and everything. Hopefully if they do hire me I will be a server, that’s what I told then I was looking for. I should be getting a phone call sometime tomorrow about whether they want me to come in for an interview or not. I really need this!! This new opportunity would really uplift my spirits. My calves are really bumming me out lately. They’re like tree trunks! I don’t know how it is that they haven’t gotten any smaller in the last few months. And I know they haven’t gotten any smaller because I have these riding boots that I ordered online over a year ago. And I love them, but I haven’t ever been able to wear them because they never went over my calves. There was just no way I could squeeze my meaty leg into that boot. So I have just kept them as one of my “some day when I’m skinny” items. So after like a month of working out, I tried to put them on and it was a no-go, like always. Well I thought about it a couple days ago and thought that there HAD to be some improvement. Nope. Not even a tiny bit. Same as it was 3 months ago, 6 months ago, a year and a half ago. I guess the only answer is to specifically focus on them for the next few weeks and see if there is any improvement. Well, I have managed to get this far in this entry with out talking about how much weight I lost this week. Go me. But I don’t have anything else to stall with so, here we go. I lost .6 pounds this week. It’s not great, or even good, or even alright, but at least it’s down. The part of me that has become weight loss obsessed is really clashing with my extreme apathy as of late. I don’t know if I am bummed or accepting or positive or pessimistic… I don’t really feel anything towards it. Maybe this week will be better, but I have an early family Easter get together on Saturday and there will be food. A lot of it, so we will see how that goes. I do love Easter though!!! I’ll enjoy it regardless of the “food guilt”. Speaking of food, I need to eat. I can feel myself fading fast.

Eighty Seven

Well, it has definitely been a strange few days. It started with this very random bout of depression, and now we are dealing with new issues with Gabe’s health. I couldn’t even do anything at Zumba this morning. Every move was either too stupid looking to make myself do or I just didn’t have the energy to try to do it. I have no energy, I feel completely apathetic. The new information on Gabe is that he has an auto immune deficiency disease. Because of the deficiency he has a blood infection, and that’s pretty much all we know. We know that it is attacking everything from his major organs to his joints, because that’s what immunity deficiencies do, but we still don’t know his specific ailment. He could have lupus, or cancer, or AIDS, or dozens of other things. Most of them seem to have the potential to be fatal. There is no cure for any type of auto immune deficiency disease so regardless of what he has he is going to have issues for the rest of his life. Basically he will just have to take anti-inflammatories and pain medication everyday forever. It’s all pretty fucked up. I’m not sure what to think about it, I’m not sure there is even a point to think anything about it until we know exactly what he has.  I guess only time will tell. One nice thing about today is that The Biggest Loser is on tonight, but that also means that tomorrow is weigh in Wednesday. I am expecting nothing. My diet was alright, my work outs were good {except today}, but I’m depressed, my birth control is fucking with my cycle hard core, and I am dehydrated. All of those things can inhibit weight loss so I am just going to accept now that I probably didn’t do very well this week. Hopefully this week will be better.

Eighty Six

Man, I am bummmmeeeddd ooouuuttt. For some reason last night, I was looking at myself in the mirror, naked, and I honestly haven’t felt that terrible about myself since before I started losing weight. Like, tears were shed. I have felt pretty depressed all day. I am not really sure what to do about it. I see the differences, but I also see all of the work that I still have to do. And trust me, it’s not the work that is upsetting me. It is the fear that I am putting in tremendous amounts of effort for an unattainable goal. With the realization of how completely unsatisfied I am with my body still, the fear that I may not ever be skinny and I will just stay fat and never be able to maintain being skinny, I have become a slight nervous wreck about it. I know I posted a long ass post a few weeks ago about how I felt like I have won my battle with weight and it’s not that I think I will gain the weight back, it’s just that I fear not ever losing enough weight. At work today I watched a lot of skinny, perfect girls pile cookie dough, gummy worms, and everything in between onto tubs of yogurt. I could not help but to recluse into a very jealous, self pity kind of mentality about it. I have a huge ass still, huge thighs, huge calves, huge arms… and no boobs. {boobs are for an entirely different post about self esteem!} The point is that I still am HUGE. I just can’t fathom how some people are so small, but I WANT it. I want it so badly that I would almost go as far as to say that I need it. And it just doesn’t seem possible to me right now, and It’s breaking my heart. Annnnddd my confidence and my motivation and my energy and a whole bunch of shit. Since I have to go to the gym today, I decided that I am going to Zumba tonight because I know a regular work out of lame cardio would just not go well. I would get sad and bored and then just feel defeated and want to leave. Zumba will keep me going though! It’s so fun. I gotta go do that though. Class at 6:30! Oy vey.

Eighty Five

Oh my gaawwdd it’s been a long day. I only got a few hours of sleep and then had an 8.5 hour opening shift at Yogurtland. I am SO glad to be home. I am now curled up on the couch, in pajamas, watching the rain fall outside. I am really hungry, but sitting down for a while sounds so much better then making food. Maybe this week I’ll make it into the 160’s. I should lose a relatively good number this week. My diet has been much better than last week and I have been better at the gym. I don’t feel thinner, except my arms! Thank baby Jesus. I am so excited for summer veggies and fruits. Squashes and cherries!! And so many other ones. I need to look the nutritional value of them though to see what I can eat and how much. I’ll be sad if I can’t eat any of the squashes. I know they are all high in carbs, but one of them has to be the lowest! Ok, the hunger is starting to get the best of me. I’m off to make some delicious food.