Nineteen

Workin out! Takin the fat by the balls! I’m going to try really hard to lose 4 pounds this week. That is my goal. 15 pounds! I can do this shit. Then I’ll only be 5 pounds away from 20 pounds, which seems crazy. These last 11 pounds have seem to go by really quickly. The 20 pound mark will definitely be the point where I’ll be proud enough to tell people if they ask… or… hopefully if they ask.. if I have lost weight. Right now, it’s like, 11 pounds, coooool. 20 pounds definitely has a bit more credibility. I’m hoping to be there within the next 3 weeks. I’m not really sure if I see a difference in myself yet, but I just have to keep small goals for myself. I had another crazy dream last night where I’m uncontrollably eating terrible stuff. Last night it was Milky Ways. It confuses me because my perception of food has totally changed. Sure, I want things like candy bars, but I would never eat more than a bite of one at this point, let alone 100. When I see or hear people eating crazy unhealthy food, I almost feel bad, because eating healthy has made me feel so great I want them to feel great too. But then I also feel extremely jealous because I wanna eat the shit out of whatever they’re eating. It can be really hard at times. The other night I was invited to a Nutela party. Yes, a party that revolved around Nutela and things to put Nutela on. There were chocolate chip muffins, cookies, animal crackers, Nutela cupcakes, and pretzels. I wasn’t going to go because I knew it would be a true testament to my commitment to be healthy and I wasn’t sure how much I trusted myself, but the friends that were throwing it really wanted me to come and I really wanted to see them so I went. I didn’t eat anything. I made a conscious decision before I left that I wouldn’t. The party was still fun, got to hang with some old friends, but it really was difficult to not fall into the mind set of, “one cookie isn’t bad, I used to eat like 5.” I had to remind myself that my body can not handle those things and that they are terrible for my hypoglycemia. I felt proud of myself when I left, but that’s going to be the battle forever. Nothing I want will ever be easy and that’s how I want it. This is definitely no exception.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s