Two

Well yesterday was lazy Sunday, and today is also, lazy Monday. I’m a little restless, but not enough to actually go out and do something. I was like, “I’ll go walking, that will be nice.” But then I realized I don’t have any tennis shoes and I mindlessly did my make up and hair, and I don’t want to get all red and stupid looking… So perhaps tomorrow. Tomorrow will also be the one week mark of my eating regimen. It is not a very long time, but it’s helpful to have little mile-stones like that. On Saturday I weighed myself out of curiosity and I had lost 3 pounds in 5 days. Which is a big deal for me because hypoglycemia makes my body very resistant to weight loss. But taking a picture everyday for this blog will help me stay aware of the things I’m trying to improve on. I’m not ripping myself apart at the seams by focusing on small details or having negative connotations with myself, but how can you improve something if you refuse to acknowledge it? I think being honest with ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. And I’m not just talking about “bad” qualities, I’m also talking about genuinely good qualities. I know for me, it’s always been something like this, “I have the most disgusting, gigantic arms in the fucking world… “. Which, is obviously not true, and instead of it motivating me to work out my arms, it was just destructive and me being mean to myself. I am still unhappy about my arms, I do still consider them on of my worst qualities, but I understand that arms do not have the power to ruin my life. They shouldn’t be the reason I have to hold back tears while shopping. They’re just arms! Instead of looking at girls with slender arms and feeling inferior, I look at their arms and think, “What exercises can I do so that my arms will look like hers one day?” And sure, some girls are just born skinny and comparing myself to them is nothing but damaging to my quality of life. I have my own “jealous worthy” assets. Everyone does. And the expression, “That it’s always greener on the other side.” is something I tell myself multiple times a day. When I feel down about my situation, or jealous about what another person gets to do, just thinking that to myself brings back into the real world. There are bigger, better things to be focusing on. Like how optimistic I feel. I haven’t felt this positive about my future since high school. I’m still impatient, but it’s not making me anxious and impulsive any more. Last night while I was hanging out with my friends, that I’ve always hung out with for years, we literally played. We had fun rough housing and kind of just being obnoxious. It was like it was back when we were all 16. It was amazing. Over the last 6 months or so I have dwelled on the fact that I wasn’t back up in Monterey with college friends getting hammered and partying. Or that I didn’t have that kind of environment here, but last night made me realize that that’s pretty stupid. I should be more grateful that I was there for the time I was, and I met the people I did, and that I have life long friends right here, even though the fun we have is a total 180 from the fun I had in college. And that’s perfectly fine. I am slowly, but surely pulling my head out of my ass. I would reward myself with a cookie, but carbs and sugar have become the devil.

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